This post is the second in a series highlighting emotional intelligence (EQ) in the workplace. If you’re curious to learn how we incorporate EQ in our work just contact us.
_________________________________________________________________________

I spoke recently with a potential client about developing emotional intelligence (EQ), and they asked “Does developing EQ just mean pretending to feel good about bad things?”

The short answer is: absolutely not. Acting is if bad things are okay only increases the inauthenticity in our relationships. Would you wish that your vendors, co-workers, and supervisors pretend with you? Of course not, and it would be maddening to operate that way. But often when relationship stress increases beyond our capacity to manage it we cover up our discomfort in order to keep the appearance of pleasantness.

As we noted in the first article in this series developing emotional intelligence helps us become more aware of our reactions to relationship stress so we have more choices to select from when responding. Increasing our response flexibility for ever increasing levels of relationship stress is one of the main outcomes of investing in EQ.

For the long answer, let’s consider the following scenario: you’ve been working with a client for several months on a project. Their feedback along the way has been positive. You believe they like your work. And maybe you’ve picked up on some cues that they’ll offer you more work in the future. But at project’s end, the client makes it clear, “We’re discontinuing this work with you for now.”

That could be a palatable moment of discomfort for you and the client. Your immediate amygdala response might include displaying a flash of distress, or protest, or leaving quickly to find another client. But if you can notice those impulses in the moment, pause with a deep breath, and hold them as just options to consider, then you can ride out the amygdala response until your pre-frontal cortex regains control, then use it to identify the most effective response.

Freeze the moment to seize the moment

Imagine stopping time in this moment, freezing this scene, and asking yourself what you’re feeling? Maybe your inner monologue goes like this:

Uh-oh. This moment feels like a BAD thing. The client just said they’re not offering me more work at this time.  Isn’t that contrary to the positive feedback they gave me along the way? If so then I feel some deceit and betrayal about this new information. Also, doesn’t he know how hard I worked to satisfy their needs these last two months? I feel unseen, and I feel frustration it’s not yielding new work. Could I have misread them so badly that I missed warning signs about this? I feel self-conscious and insecure about even just considering that might be true. I feel shame just sitting here.

In the blink of an eye, you’ve out-lasted the amygdala response and then touched on seven distinct emotions: deceit, betrayal, unseen-ness, frustration, self-consciousness, insecurity, and shame. These simultaneous responses, each valid and meaningful in their own way, signal together that this moment means something important to you. But which feeling should guide your next action? Notice too how the emotions identified travel from externally focused (betrayal by the other) to internally focused (shame). We see this direction of travel often in high-stress, critical thinking environments where staff seem trained to blame themselves when things go wrong and shame themselves into working harder next time. In a similar scenario with different players, the consultant might have turned their blame/shame response on the client instead. Either way, the blame/shame response is a typical place many of us go during stressful relationship moments. We’ll explore this response more later, but for now, let’s just say its a technique that any exhausted parent might try with a non-compliant child (we’re not endorsing it, just suggesting where you might have first learned it). Depending on your goals, its not necessarily an effective response. Let’s assume your goal is to remain in relationship with this client doing work you’re both proud of.

Get clear and curious

With time still frozen in the scenario above, let’s identify what we know. First, you’ve heard a statement of closure in an important relationship. Second, you had an amygdala response and felt at least seven distinct simultaneous emotions. That’s normal, by the way. Every peak experience we have, whether stressful or joyful, provokes many responses. And so, third, you now know from your inner reactions that “this moment means something in this relationship.” But what exactly does it mean? Can you determine the meaning of this moment based on knowing  just these three things ? Of course not, there’s still too much ambiguity in the scenario. So if you can’t determine on your own the meaning of the moment, what do you do?

Let’s return to our definition of emotional intelligence. EQ is the practicable skill of doing two things at once:

1	2
Accurately detect, differentiate, identify, report and manage your thoughts, wants, and feelings.	Develop accurate hunches about the thoughts, wants, and feelings of the other person, and respond selectively to them.

You’ve done the first by pausing to notice your reactions and naming them to yourself. It’s time to move on to step two. Maybe your inner monologue goes something like this:

I’m having a lot of reactions to this news, so it must mean something big for this relationship. I’m now realizing that the client looked away from me just as he gave me the news, so I wonder if he’s feeling this is big too? Maybe he’s aware of the positive signals he’s given about my work before, and now feels awkward about discontinuing it? Maybe there are factors I’m unaware of that he might share? I should really ask in an open-ended way for more information.

Notice here the shift from self-targeted blame and shame to outwardly focused empathy and curiosity? This is crucial to remaining effective during relationship stress. You want to regulate your initial response so you don’t overload them with the details and energy of your reactions just yet. If it’s appropriate to do so later, you can. But for now, you want to signal in a friendly way that you’re having a reaction in the moment but you’re open to learning more about what’s going on. So let’s restart the clock and see where it goes:

You: “I’m surprised to hear the news, given the positive signals I perceived about this work until now. I’m curious if you could share more about the decision?”

Client: “Well, I only just found out our requirements for this work have changed. So while I’m really pleased with what you produced, we now need something different. I need a few weeks to figure out what that will look like, and then determine if we have any more budget  for you do further work.”

Co-create the most respected outcome

You now have four more pieces of information, enough to understand the meaning of this moment: The news that “we’re discontinuing” is temporary, not a permanent rending of the relationship. Aren’t you glad you didn’t bolt from the room? The client also confirmed his satisfaction with your work that you had previously perceived, thus restoring your faith in your own ability to track him. Thirdly, things might resume after a short break. And lastly, he only just learned himself of changes affecting your work now that its almost done. A fair empathic hunch would be that he also feels some frustration, anger, betrayal, and powerlessness about the situation. Since you paused to notice and name for yourself the range of inner reactions you had, you might now choose to reveal some of those selectively as a way of empathizing with his experience:

You: “Wow, that sounds frustrating just hearing about it.” You’ve offered a name for what he might be feeling thereby normalizing it. “I certainly appreciate your confirming that you’re satisfied with the work.” You acknowledge his words had a positive personal impact on you. “I’m certainly interested in supporting you further.” You express a desire to stay in relationship and support him. “We haven’t spent all the budget allocated to this project, so what if we looked at the remainder to see if it could cover me helping you evaluate the changes? Would you be open to that?” You’ve redirected him to a positive next step and invited his input.

Client: “Thank you, I appreciate your flexibility on this.” He’s acknowledging your regulated response. “It’s certainly has frustrated me.” He confirms your hunch, adding evidence to your ability to track him. “I’m glad you want to stick with this, and let’s see if the remaining budget is enough to do so.” Let’s move forward together.

You’ve just deepened the relationship by demonstrating to your client that you can ride out turbulence with them while staying in relationship. Congratulations!

As we touched on in the first article in this series, developing emotional intelligence enables us to increase our response flexibility to ever increasing levels of relationship stress. As we feel, name, and manage more of our own feelings, our ability to detect and develop accurate hunches about others’ grows too.  Hopefully this also scenario shows that doing so doesn’t mean pretending to feel good about bad news, or concealing our true reactions.

If you want us to give a scenario of yours “the EQ dialogue treatment” like we did in this post, share the setup in the comments section below. We’ll write a post about how to respond, so be sure to specify the relationships between the roles. And please, don’t use your boss’ real name.